11-19-07

Does God really look at the heart but the things we do? I fell into a deep depth dark hole, nothing else but me, I can't feel my surroundings but my breath and my brain. Will you still watch over me? My God, oh my God. Years and years passed by me, still I am here with a dark cloud covered over me. Slowly and deeply sucking my soul out. How can I praise you and live with you when I can't feel the hope that I always had in you? Emptiness is filled with emptiness. Tears in my eyes are like the surprises on birthday. What is your will and what is mine? There is no joy that I find in the things I do, because I find no purposes in them. How long.......
Where is the helper in my dreams, I only see illusions that drags me down into the darkness in the untruthful world. How weak I feel, how little I feel, can you understand?
When I try to look into the world, I feel so small, so tiny, so micro. How important am I? Does it really matter to You if I appears in this falsity world? Or is just too real. I want to give it.
How many tests would there still be? Can I have the courage and the power to face them? When will people start to accept, when will there be love? You told me you love me.

11-12-07

Haven't been writing my blog for a few days, because I was busy and FanFan is living with me for the weekend until maybe next week or something. "I Love Piano" is such a great CD that I have been listening to for the past two years during my sleep time at night. We had fun last weekend, cell group was just great, even FanFan shared a lot about himself, I felt like God is just fulfilling my requests, and one of the most urgent and important one is his salvation. I searched every single moment to share with him about the Bible, about the stories that happened on me and others, even things I heard a long time ago from people I don't even remembered. Cool week I had, I went to Redondo beach with a bunch of people on Saturday night, FanFan's sister treated me crabs. I felt so 幸福 when I was eating them, even though I wasn't that hungry. After church on Sunday, which is a huge day for lovely Johnny with his reborn experience we went to play basketball, which is something I haven't been doing for XYZ years, when I wake up the other morning, I seriously felt the pain on my back and legs. And then FanFan's sister AnAn= =...... treated us to dinner again!!!! At the Korean BBQ in Rowland!!!!!!! Miga!!! Well, I felt very very 幸福 again, hahaha. And then, on our way back, we were talking about things that happened in high school, and I wisely shared about the girls I fell in love with back from high school until present. So it was a cool week and weekend. School is starting again, but it will be a really busy week though, bunch of tests and essays are due before thanksgiving. I give my thanks for that. I feel so relieved when I saw the picture.

11-9-07

It is pretty early in the morning, 05:22AM now. Just don't know why I'm still sitting in front of the computer thinking of yesterday, which it just passed. November the eighth, one of the meaningful day in my life. Pretty personal, but worth me to remember it. I still remember that piece of line paper with a bunch of drawings and cute words a year ago, how funny the decision was made by November the eighth. I expected to have an anniversary for it on the second year. Well, it did not happen. But still, I had a long day. When I look inside of my room, I see everything contains yesterday. Like honey like wine, so much I just can't take my eyes off them sometimes. Guess I'll have to change my viewing a little bit. Room is messy again, today is my cleaning day and my decision making day.

11-8-07 #2

Been consistent is such a weakness to me, I'm living my life with full of lacking this and that all the time. Sometimes I just want to imagine what would my life be if I always had a fit body and one or few favorite sports and music instruments. Wouldn't it be just nice to have such hobbies? I thought to myself. "Life is a box of chocolate, you never know what you gonna get." Such a great description. I think sometimes life is like that, always regrets with the things you haven't done or the things you gave up. I decided to lose my huge amount of fat when I was in elementary school, but sometimes great decisions makes a reverse effect. I gained more and more fat in my life in America, because the food is just too unhealthy here. With a busy schedule, you just want to eat something easy, something like......fast food, which I had today for breakfast and lunch. By eating them really made me guilty, because I can just feel the junk going into my stomach and going around in circles in my body, makes me sick. Mom had been telling me that fast food is not in the pyramid of food, so I guess that means junk food don't belong to food.

11-8-07

I was suppose to be at a hearing today, well I did meet the hearing officer about my second parking ticket, but she told me nicely that she doesn't see me on her list. I was pissed..... Well, the hearing made me wake up at 9 something, which made me only slept for like 4 hours. Same as old, had no time for breakfast making this morning, because shower took me pretty long, which I felt pretty refreshing. I just like shower in the morning, because it's just so different than shower before sleep, I don't remember when did I start to take shower in the morning, probably sometimes around high school. I still remember my pain in the ass second semester freshmen year when I was living with my mommy in the back house of some crazy lady for a year. The crazy thing about her is she actually turns the water pressure to "super" low and I had to shower for an hour something to get myself clean. In the winter time, she tells us that we can't use the air conditioning because the electricity bill is too expensive, and with a huge house, every month she only had to pay something around 20 dollars during summer. And in the winter time, she doesn't let us turn on the heater because she thinks that the gas fee is too expensive, she even comes in and check with us. Well, even we were living with someone like that, we had the best time in our lives. My mom is surely the greatest woman in the world to me, because she had very little income and she is paying the rent and buys me cloths every month, she even gave me allowance every week. She truly was faithful to God, prayed everyday before she sleeps and after she wakes up. We are doing more than great now and she is still the same with her morning and evening prayer. Extraordinary days I had with my mom. When I was little, I always think of the death of my family members, I imagine what would I feel if someone so close dies, sometimes I even cry about it. Well, I still think about things like this even now. I'm taking Psychology of Emotions this courter, didn't learn much in the class, but I thought it'll be helpful later in my walk towards my carrier. Another ordinary day in my college walk.

11-6-07

I woke up pretty late today, even though I slept at 1 something last night. The noise of the lawn woke me up from the dream of not able to pee...... Which delayed my shower time, because the worker outside was watering the half green grass which hasn't been watered for a pretty long time. I was suppose to take over the job and water the plants, trees and the grass. When I walked out my basement door, I saw the dog that belongs the guy that just came back from the Philippines last night. The dog wasn't on a leash, so he was actually digging my trash bag that's beside bunch of my "destroyed" shoes. The thing that impressed me about my shoes is every time Dodo did something wrong, which he has chewed one or two of my shoes up, he knows that he did something wrong and hides, reminds me a lot of my childhood. I enjoyed the one hour that I spent with my dog and the dog upstairs. Dodo gets jealous even when I tried to touch the dog upstairs (I just don't remember the name of the dog upstairs). I finally put my punching bag up on the tree, which is pretty embarrassing to hit it even I'm in a mood of doing some morning exercising. Because I feel embarrassed when my neighbors or the people that are passing by look at me. Feels funny, but I think I will screw that old punching bag at night when nobody's looking. I finally turned off the water and pulled myself to shower, the new showerhead really really works, the water seems more fresh and clean, washed all my morning sleepiness away. Alex called me and asked me to lunch, so I went, thinking why is he leaving again, he seems a lot nicer today, maybe is because he is leaving again in 4 days. I'll miss him a lot. He said something I never thought he would say, he was telling me that he is turning 26. Something was behind this sentence. I want to help him, in anyway, but for knowing him so long, I just don't know what he really needs, even though I know, is just so hard for me and him to communicate. He paid for lunch, maybe because he's leaving again and he wants to treat me something without looking weird such as a gift or something. Haha, we are like that always. I felt like I just finished Fast and Furious, and I'm driving like I'm in Tokyo. Every time I drive into the parking lot, I feel like I'm going to get another ticket, still have 3 more tickets to pay. I guess I'll pass on the big one, I might just go to court for it. Time goes really fast, I remember the first time I watched the movie "Forrest Gump" was when it just came out, which is the year of 1994. I was 9 years old, still have a normal family which I was still living with my parents, mom and dad, and that movie really impressed me and had a huge impact in my life. I wished I was him even though he wasn't very smart. I didn't understand the things he was doing, I had no idea about the Vietnam war, no idea about where he was and what he was doing. But at last, I understood that life is just like the way it is. Life's good, nothing to be afraid of, run, George, run!!!