My walk

耶穌?我?

2010-02-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

這個禮拜都沒辦法睡好, 都是很晚或者很早睡, 時間怎麼都調不過來. 忽然覺得自己的距離差好遠, 跟人也好, 跟耶穌也好. 每當想到或看到跟耶穌有關的東西就莫名的感動, 心裡好舒服. 可是.....心裡也同時感到了距離. 我不想當一個騙子, 因為被騙的時候心會冷, 會結冰, 會痛. 這種痛應該很難形容. 背叛與欺騙的隔絕真的很難想像, 謝謝你的愛. 我不知道心裡的感謝要如何表達, 肉體時常會比我的靈魂強, 有時候甚至強得可怕. 靈魂是無限強的, 可是比起肉體, 讓我總會墮入比較實際與感官的世界裡. 我想戰勝, 可是想又有甚麼用呢? 我問自己.....

有時醒來的時候看著軟弱的自己, 在鏡子面前暗暗的看入自己的眼睛, 彷彿看到了另外一個人. 我覺得的自我認知總是不夠, 可能還在學習當中, 被破碎過的我可能還要被更加的破碎. 有的時候我彷彿聽見了天使的聲音, 可是魔鬼般的肉體總是把我和那個聲音越拉越遠. 整個人就像被地獄的鎖鏈狠狠的拉著, 離開了我真正的自己. 對與錯永遠都在那一霎那, 而那沒有被選擇的則變成了流星....

羽毛般地沉了下去. 深深地走出了這個世界.

夢境都是殘缺的, 夢中那一切的所有都太虛無了. 難道說我所希求的就只有那些? 惜小的角落裡, 剩下的真的很少.

耶穌, 再來好麼? 再原諒我好麼? 再帶我走好麼?

i need a hug

2009-11-20T00:49:00.003-08:00

God I need a hug from you, please give me a hug........and more hugs......

Today 9/30/2009

2009-10-01T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well, even though now is......almost 6AM in da morning of 国庆节....

I planned to wake up earlier today, so I can eat breakfast in da morning with yuki. But ended up me calling her at 9AM, but she didnt want to pick up, and she called me back until 10 something. Still, I decided to sleep more and she did too=.=.....

Pre-planned breakfast became lunch at 1pm......But was still good, I had chicken fajita omelet and she had breakfast sampler at ihop. Not exactly what I planned to eat for breakfast, cuz I dun really want to go to the ihop in arcadia on baldwin. Cuz of some personal issues. Went to the mall after lunch, which is around 2 hrs passed. We can talk unlimitly. blah blah blah * N=conversation between me and yuki...=.=............

She wanted to buy a journal book, which we spent 20 mins finding, but cant find. Then walked around the mall for.....hmm.........4 hrs........

Felt pretty good, skipped dinner, watched 3 movies infront of my computer, talked about tons of different stuff, and............im sleepy

If I die...

2009-09-29T04:32:00.000-07:00

Before I die...

Before I die, I will want to earn enough money to make sure my mom will have enough for the rest of her life. I will want to go back to China and visit my dad for the one last time. I will want to see a few of my friends from China for the last time and drink tea with them. I will want to hug everyone of my friends here in the US. I will want to hear "I love you" from the people I love. I will want to kiss the girl I love the most.

The End.

感概

2009-09-26T04:25:00.000-07:00

人的一生到底能活到多少岁？
其实答案没有人能知道。

一年一年，一天一天，直到现在，其实没有一个绝对。
可能有些时候我们对人生的看法就是这样，没有一个绝对。开心了，没压力了，就觉得人生很美好。难过了，伤心了，事情变多了，就觉得为什么这种事情都发生在我身上。

我们很多时候都是感性的，眼前所谓的“事实”总是让我们活得很.....肤浅....
有的时候真的需要找个时间让自己的生活安静下来，仔细品味品味之前发生过的，现在正在发生的，跟以后可能会发生的。

昨天的失败不代表今天还会再摔倒，就算今天摔倒了，不代表明天还会再摔倒，就算明天再失败一次不代表后天爬不起来！

没有过苦怎么能够感受得到甜？没有过失败又怎么能够了解成功？没有过心碎又如何去懂得珍惜幸福？

难道说今天的失败就能把你打败？醒过来吧，看看那些在水深火热中受苦受难的人吧.....

一个成功的人不一定是一个有钱的人，一个成功的人不一定是一个让人捧得高高在上的人，一个成功的人不一定是一个自我感觉良好的人。

一个成功的人是真正经历过苦难，而没有被苦难打倒，反而战胜了的人。

不要放弃，因为不能放弃，更加不能自暴自弃。签下那生死状，让失败成为你的老师，从中学习到真理，从中了解到自己的现状其实已经非常好了......

不要让自己陷入一个被自己现状而消极的人，看一看开心的时候，看一看那些真正受苦中的人，看一看身边那些攻破了自己觉得无法攻破的障碍的人。

我感概.....我担心.....可是，这些都是我没有办法控制的。如果想要改变世界，第一个需要做的就是改变自己。

加油....我会永远的默默的支持。我也会继续学习改变自己，因为我从来都没有放弃过...以后也不会去放弃。

海

2009-09-03T05:03:00.000-07:00

望着那一望无际的海，心里总觉得特别的舒畅。

朦胧的傍晚，遥望着海平线的那一刻，仿佛又再一次的把我的心打开了。惆怅的太阳让海面上飘着闪闪发光的金箔。日与月的同在让我感觉到人间的真爱，仿佛是一对热恋的情侣在无限的宇宙中深情的对视着。

海风轻轻的灌入我身体中的每一部分，呼吸也被海与沙的味道沉迷了。

海浪一波接一波的打着海滩，我也感受着一股股的海浪在我的脚上。我沿着那海浪的痕迹散步，却发现原来脚步是没有办法留下来的。

海浪冲走了我走过的痕迹，海水洗净了我脚上的沙子，海风吹去了我脸上的忧郁，海滩却还是一样平坦的让我走了下去。

海......把我的心融化了。

望着那一望无际的海，心里总是觉得特别舒畅。

我到底是怎么了？

2009-08-17T01:36:00.000-07:00

一眨眼又过了三个月，四分之一年，九十天，二千一百六十个小时，十二万九千六百分钟，七百七十七万六千秒。

我到底是怎么了？

记得三个月前，还在很努力的读书，除了功课就是酒驾学校。脑子里面一片空白......终于学期完了，觉得放假应该开始找事情做，结果一下子就荒废了一个多月，每天都在很狂的颓废。颓废到自己觉得人生已经失去了很多很多的意义，眼球里面看到的自己已经是一个废人.....对着乱七八糟的生活加上自以为可以弥补自己心里空虚的异性......我快疯了都..............

我看着镜子里面的自己，问自己:" 你谁啊？你有病啊？你想死么？那你就去死啊！"

恨不得有力气抓狂的自己可以尽力的发泄，可是力不从心.....

看着以前幸福开心过的遗迹，也不知道怎么活到今天的，好像做了一场不觉得做得完的噩梦. 魂不守舍，飘来飘去，脑子里的酒精和THC让我根本没办法清醒过来..........

"我不要这样子下去了" 我对自己说......

终于，我洗了把脸，然后重新再看了看自己。"醒一下吧，过去的都过去了，没有昨天怎么会有今天？" 我想通了，我开始我的新生活了....here I am.....

每天不分日夜的工作了几个礼拜，觉得不错，很充实，有压力也有成功感，继续吧。

我到底是怎么了？

没所谓怎么不怎么，有时候现实跟梦境只差一线。我到底是谁没有人能断定，只有自己去体验和生活。镜子里面的我看起来还是跟几个月前一样，甚至跟几年前一样，甚至我自己都不知道。不过没关系，年轻人嘛，就是要为着希望闯闯，到该恋爱的时候就真真正正轰轰烈烈的爱一场，到该赚钱的时候就狠狠的去赚，到该玩的时候就大胆的去玩一玩，不要再等下去了，不要再给自己藉口，不要再让自己颓废，不要再考虑，不要再.......!

我要去赚钱，我要去恋爱，我要去开心，我要去体验生活。我不要再等下去了！！！！我不要再对不起我自己了！！！！我不要再傻下去了！！！！我要像一只老鹰一样的翱翔，没有忧虑，没有后悔！

二十多岁的我要成为二十多岁的我。

我到底是怎么了？

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～

谎言的世界

2009-05-31T07:48:00.000-07:00

来来往往，重蹈覆辙........真实到底是什么呢？善意的谎言还是恶意的相对？
行尸走肉的我反反复复的在这个深夜反复的想着.......

有人说人生是一场梦，怎么都醒不过来。早知道是这样，如梦一场，我又何必把泪锁在自己的眼眶？

如果人生是一场梦，我真的好想从中苏醒过来。

一根又一根，一根又一根，一根又一根，一根又一根.........................委屈了自己实现别人的梦想。

我能原谅荒唐，荒唐的是我无法遗忘。

就让这场梦做下去吧。

愿........缘......圆.......怨。

句号停留在哪里比较好呢.......

这样的日子还剩下多少，以不重要。

感言-纪念.......几年

2009-03-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

一个很普通的礼拜天.......睡得迷迷糊糊的, 起来看了看手机,发现从早上到现在有二十二个未接来电. 其中有十八通都是我妈打的.......对我来说其实还蛮正常的,因为本人喜欢电话是无声的.
我刚起来,沙哑着喉咙打了回去.......以下的对话:

我:妈,你打给我啊?
妈:对阿,牛儿,我要跟你说一件事情,你不要激动,不要哭...............

我瞬间的把电话挂了..........................然后跟alli说:我觉得我姥姥死了.......
我妈又马上打了过来:牛儿,你先听我说......

我:妈!你先不要告诉我!你先不要告诉我!!!!我还没准备好!!!!!!
妈:................昨天晚上爷爷打电话过来说姥姥前几天从床上摔了下来, 然后有点昏迷, 昨天在医院去了.........
我..............(顿时哭成了一个泪人,眼泪鼻涕全都到了衣服上面).........alli从我后面抱住了我, 然后我就有点说不出话了.................
我哭啊哭啊哭啊哭啊的........觉得好丢脸........怎么可以在alli面前哭.......
可是当时的我已经控制不住自己的情绪了..............

妈:儿子.............

姥姥的死让我觉得很难过很难过..........本来我们准备要把她接过来美国,让她每天都可以看到我跟我妈, 我也可以在空闲的时候陪她过完这些日子.......以前总觉得姥姥不会过去,她一定会等到我回去看她.....因为我实在想念她. 在国内我想念的亲人真的不多.......

公公是我目送的第一个亲人, 他也是我爸爸那边对我妈妈最好的........而姥姥却是我妈妈亲戚里对我妈妈最好的.................

姥姥是一个非常勤奋,刻苦,清苦的人.....她从小就没有机会读过书, 而她却没有放弃过, 年轻的时候以优异的人品跟口才成为了一家百货公司的总经理, 没有文化的她把我爷爷拉扯大了, 有了我妈妈, 然后我妈妈又有了我......这二十三年来我和妈跟她有着非常非常亲密的关系.........随着我来到了美国, 见到面的机会少了许多....十年前她中了风, 在病床上卧了十年.......而我却在九年里面只见过她两次..........

爷爷在姥姥的存折里面看到了两万块人民币的存款........这些年她钱都没有在用, 妈妈寄过去的钱她都省了下来.............

姥姥.......我会怀念你的........可惜没有看到你最后一面........我后悔了..........

天堂的三八妇女节过的好玩么? 我想你姥姥............R.I.P......A.D. 1923-2009

单单纯纯~

2009-02-10T02:31:00.000-08:00

单单纯纯.......真的是一种美丽无瑕的东西.......
在这个世界上面到底还存在着么? 从来寻找的原来就是单单纯纯, 纯纯仆仆.........
我爱这种单纯纯朴的......以前爱着, 现在爱着, 以后也会爱着........

Life goes on? Life goes on.

2008-12-21T00:13:00.001-08:00

Arrested for DUI last night. Guess I had too much to drink, pretty sure God wanted me to wake up with a different way he used to use. Spent my night in jail for the first time in life, had the longest night

He

2008-11-24T17:35:00.000-08:00

Noticed both my legs were sore. Never felt the brain so stoned in my whole entire life. Seriously, I can look at one thing for hours and not feel bored to it. Sometimes meeting new things is just too fun, which for I could think of right now, everything new is fun to me. Discovered the truth that I could actually sleep early and wake up on time. What is Parsifal really searching after his life? What could really heal the Fisher King's wound? Sometimes a really simple question could just done it. TKO!!! Such dreams I dream, I could just find another world in it.
Reality Vs. Dreams. Whoa! I can't even remember it. Ever since I was pissed drunk and I kept on telling myself I'm dreaming. Caressing by the wind in the afternoon is just like falling into my fair maiden's embrace, so comforting and quite. More to come, more to go.

OH MY LORD..........

2008-10-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

Such unpleasant message from my manager. I forgot to type the receipt of two $100 prepaid cards, and he can't find the two hundred dollars, and I need to pay the two hundred dollars off...........OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!! SUCH A CALL THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!! MAKES ME WANNA QUIT MY STUPID JOB NOW!!!!

MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanna kick and scream!!!!!!!!!!!!

25*$8=$200 tax not included!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

1 week=30 hrs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont wanna work for a week for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELP!

SLEEPLESS

2008-09-06T05:41:00.000-07:00

SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS,
SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS, SLEEPLESS...........

I MADE THAT WORD UP. CUZ I CANT SLEEP= =........

THROAT IS HURTING LIKE A MOTHER'S COOKIE.
WHAT?!

NICE JOKE!
FEELING MYSELF ONCE AGAIN~ (FEELING IN ADJECTIVE NOT A VERB.)

GOD YOU ARE WAY COOLER THAN I EXPECTED, COOLEST GOD IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE. GOSH, CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO DESCRIBE THE COOLNESS OF GOD. (ANOTHER MADE UP WORD)

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A VERY EXPRESSIVE GUY, I LOVE THE WAY I AM, BECAUSE GOD ACCEPTED ME AS WHO I AM, AND I LOVE THAT!

FEELING GOOD ABOUT MYSELF IS SUCH A NICE THING.

EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP, BUT I STILL LOVE THE FEELING OF HAVIN THE ACTUAL CONNECTION WITH HIM. THANK YOU, AND I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOUR WORDS, I LOVE YOUR LOVE, I LOVE YOUR SMILE, I LOVE YOUR FORGIVENESS, I LOVE YOUR WAY OF CARESSING ME, I LOVE YOU FOR ACCEPTING ME AS WHO I AM, I LOVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE FOR MY SHAMES, I LOVE YOU FOR GIVING ME THE STRENTH, I LOVE YOU WHEN I'M POOR AND NEEDY, I LOVE YOU FOR GIVING ME LIFE LESSONS, I LOVE YOU FOR WATCHING OVER ME, I LOVE YOU FOR BEING MY FORTRESS WHENEVER I NEEDED A PLACE TO HIDE, I LOVE YOU FOR LEADING ME TO WHERE I AM TODAY, I LOVE YOU FOR CLEARING MY HEART AND EYES, I LOVE YOU FOR KISSING ME ON THE MOUTH, I LOVE YOU FOR LOOKING INTO MY EYES, I LOVE YOU FOR THE PASSION YOU GAVE ME, I LOVE YOU FOR MY BROKEN HEART. BECAUSE THROUGH YOU, I ONCE AGAIN FIND MYSELF.

THANK YOU

生病+失眠=痛苦

2008-09-04T02:01:00.000-07:00

好久沒病了。
發現自己的白頭發多了好多，也不知道平時到底在想什麽。漸漸的再次想起從前。縂覺得自己很脆弱，很難成爲一個可以把你抱在懷裏而又無時無刻給你安全感的人。空空的。
一切就好像發生在沒多久以前，是那麽的清晰。可是在清晰的後面又有一層朦朧而醜陋的布將兩者分開。當我看到清晰時，我仿佛又再一次的被深深的滿足著。可是不知道爲什麽，那一層布縂讓我不舒服，不快樂，不想再去想她。一切變得不美滿，不幸福，不好看。
如何去面對明天總是在我腦海裏打轉。書沒讀好，錢也沒存，每天還是帶著我那些重重的朋友們走著，總是在想什麽時候能讓自己健康的活著。
終于發現，沒有任何的東西可以麻痹自己，留下的永遠是空的，虛的跟難抉擇的。到底過去的生活給了我什麽？功課？教訓？還是萬無一失而又讓我覺得廢棄了的虛幻的影像？
完美的定義到底是什麽？
想了又想，想了又想，想了又想，想了又想，想了又想，想了又想，想了又想，想到了麽？
想再一次的放下。想再一次的拿起來。想再一次的愛下去。
過去是用彌補來定義的麽？
還是過去根本不存在...................

Can't get out of the circle.

2008-07-25T01:52:00.000-07:00

I almost let myself get into blood. So shaking, with only something that can't be bigger than a mouse's poop. Did not enjoy it at all, because of my grown up mind. Kinda hated it, hopefully things like that would never happen again.

happy

2008-07-17T02:32:00.000-07:00

Happy funeral?
看完6楼后座2之后的感触。
好感动。都哭出来了。有时觉得真得很满足。虽然还是有顾虑，可是心里还是觉得很满足。
成功/失败？
成功的人所得到的是有限的，失败的人所失去的也是有限的。
开心/伤心？
一分一秒的感觉，到底是不是那么的重要呢？
笑/哭？
核桃露/毒药。This is for you。
他和她的房间，在下楼拐角的第一间。

Sun Burn!!!!

2008-06-17T02:11:00.000-07:00

Summer is very chill, and fishing is something new to me.
Went fishing with Jack and Sam today, had TONS of fun, and TONS of sunburns. If I get half naked, you might think I'm wearing a very tight skin color tank-top. Didn't get any fish in 4 hours. But it was really fun, i don't know why. Supposedly the fun point of this sport is to catch the fish, even I missed the point of it, I still had TONS of fun standing there looking at the pole. I like sun-burns sometimes, because it gives me the small tiny pain on my skin, and I feel so warm. I'm going again on Wednesday!!! So excited, hope this time I can catch a fish or maybe something else, who knows.

Seperation

2008-06-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

From one point to another, longing to last. Just one tiny feather from the bird reminded me of the effected scar. Heart buried by heat and rage. The taste of raw lemon lasted for...........................................................................................................................................................................
...............................................................................................................................................................................
...............................................................................................................................................................................
...............................................................................................................................................................................
this long...
Like a magician, always tricks others but keeps the secret, when it is reviewed, the logic is just so simple................

Call me again...

2008-06-01T02:16:00.000-07:00

vlkfa;n;lkfa;nflkdndak;jnekjwna;kfjn'gkjnkjafkdsa.......
hoping i could understand wut i just typed. but i cant figure it out.

Sick......

2008-05-27T01:53:00.000-07:00

Finally I'm sick, went to sleep around 10 o'clock, feeling my head so HEAVY. I kept dreaming of my childhood friends, but don't know why J was in it = =...... I had a dream that my dog was running around and he finally knows that when I call his name he should run back to me. Childhood friends, there were even illusions, when I saw one of my friend was driving on the running track, I thought she was someone else, but she turned out to be my childhood classmate, exactly the same, nothing changed, told me that I got so fat= =........Then it was class time, we all dressed up in our old school uniform, we were so happy, and then I saw there were bunch of other people from other school when they were little, and they were in different school uniform. The class was hard, I can't understand one single word the teacher said, and I felt the urge in my heart, kinda scary, like when I was little and I don't get the teacher's words I would feel really really urge. I went sit with J, and J was using the different version of the book than me, so he was looking at my book, he was so serious= =..... Class was in process, I dreamed that I was drinking water, non-stop, then I realize that I AM THIRSTY LIKE CRAZY, so I got up, felt my head was sooooooooooooo heavy, my whole body hurts, my throat was dry and painful, I can't breath at all through my nose, and I'm COLD......... BUT There's no water left in the pot, so I made some. I miss my mom.

Most Embarrasing Moment

2008-05-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

What's your most embarrassing moment?
For me, is when I did something that I don't even know I did it. Which is..............snoring in the class room.
I've been snoring LOUD ever since I was little, I guess is because of overweight. Just a few minutes ago, I snored again in my CIS class, which is a HUGE classroom with around 100 students and when I realized I fell asleep, is already too late, and people are looking at me with a familiar expression. They were searching for the person who just snored. Hah....funni.....
Really embarrassed myself by this unconscious move. Sometimes I wonder when this snoring problem would stop, so I could actually sleep well in class when I feel sleepy.

Huge

2008-05-06T05:39:00.000-07:00

Huge encouragement from friend, nothing can depress me, I feel.
Curve in my heart is time to get straight, nothing can bend it anymore. How much better can tomorrow be? I think the last payment should be the end of it all.
Room is clean again, books are not as heavy, heart is light as feather, prayers are being delivered, poison disappeared, cool.

3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0.......

2008-05-01T03:51:00.000-07:00

Slowly.........
A pair of iron wings sent me to this place, the darkness of the sky is almost covering with the light of the sun. But I just can't let go of the airport, so I fiddled around with the tempo of adagio. Found out it is a crowded airport, like the wind.
Lots of screens sparkled through my eyes, with tears that never wanted to fall down because of the remaining bits of faith. It happened in the middle of Heaven and Hell. The air plane was like me, went away with a tempo of adagio in front of my eyes, but I still wonder if there is you that I await for, one and only you.
I don't even remember the words and sentences you said. Continue? Or end? But when separation came, only tears came to my mind and I only craved for more tears. Was it too blurry? Or do I wonder if you still care. When the wait lasted too long, nobody wanted to continue, neither end. Then I walked out to my longest journey when it came with the slowest steps.
Will a cup of hot coffee block my tears? Who is he, who is he that you are caressing? Tears with the adagio tempo..............
I'm not too sad, I just thought............

Night

2008-04-12T01:54:00.000-07:00

My room is so quiet, I can't use my imagination to turn the noise of the fridge and computer into music, unlike the kid in August Rush. My dog is sleeping, and he's just curious about everything I show him, he smells it, look at it, smells it again and smells more. It is true that dogs have good nose, and their most sensitive part is the nose, and ears others say. But what is the most sensitive part in a human being? Eyes? Ears? Nose? Tongue? I figured, it doesn't matter. But when all of them combine together, the most sensitive part is actually the heart. I can feel my happiness, angriness, sadness, sourness in my heart all the time. And when it comes to pain, is way more than physical, you just want to get out of it as quick as possible. When I look around me, nothing is moving. There must be something to paralyze it, there must be something to make it numb, there must be something that will drive it away. Or, there must be something that can replace it. Things are running like a circle for me, but every-time it hits the same spot, the spot gets more thorns than usual. Another Night.

Morning

2008-04-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

Morning is good. A lot of refreshment, like a new start.
Today I'm not working, because I had to pick up a friend of mine from the airport. The sky looked very pretty this morning, and the sun is producing more heat than usual. I had an empty mind this morning, and felt pretty weird, but somewhat good. I need to escape, need to chill out. I wanna rest a little, somewhere that's quiet, nobody knows me, somewhere I can just walk around and not to think about anything, just for a while. My schedule is like a 7-11, never needs to rest, driving around the city, sitting there and listening, I think I got out from "no life" and going into "too much life". There's nothing in between. Monday-Sunday, there's no such thing as a "day off" for me. TGIF doesn't mean anything to me, but I try to make my mind feel like TGIMTWThFSatSun. How long do I have to live like that. I don't know. Can't find any excitement besides the encounter and connection with Jesus, but how can I keep it up? Some times I just feel disconnected. It has been half year already, and I don't think I'm still a child who just can't get out of it because of my stubbornness? Or is my basic instinct, my nature, my designation of God? I don't care, but I just want to be who I am, sometimes I feel like is stupid to be myself because of all the broken glasses on the ground that I have to walk over. My self-righteousness is haunting me day by day, I feel like this "modern" world is way darker than before, things are filled with wraith, hatred, lust, selfishness and anger. Sometimes I just can't find someone worth. But I believe there is somebody out there who has the other half of the puzzle and just knows how to put the piece by piece together into a beautiful picture. My other half is too messy to be put together. I need the decoder. I still doubt.

GOD WTX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-11T02:27:00.000-07:00

WTX.................. CANT THINGS JUST BE NORMAL?????????????????????????????? WHY AM I EASILY TO BE ANGERED????????????????????????????? I LIKE THINGS TO BE SORTED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY WANT TO KICK YOUR FACE. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE A SUPER ANGRY MAN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AND I WANNA HIT MY HEAD ON THE WALL SO I CAN LOSE SOME CONSCIOUS, SO AT LEAST MY BRAIN CELLS WONT KEEP ON TELLING ME TO BE ANGRY!!!!!!

2-23-08

2008-02-23T03:33:00.000-08:00

Verse 1:

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:

And oh, how He loves us so,

Oh how He loves us,

How He loves us so

Chorus 1:

Yeah, He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

Verse 2:

We are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,

And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don't have time to maintain these regrets,

When I think about, the way?

Chorus 2:

He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

2-22-08

2008-02-22T04:16:00.001-08:00

Late in the night, is raining and very cold. I'm hiding on my bed listening to the growling of my fridge and the dropping of the rain. How bad can it be? I said to myself. I thought of my walk, and nothing can be compared. I felt like slapping myself because of the thoughts I've ever had. I feel like the frog. The talk really scratched my heart, tears were in my eyepit, fire was burning in me. My expression touched, her expression touched. I thought I was the rotten one..... The past is the past, that's what I have been telling myself, but never believed it. Today I said the past is the past and HOPED that it'll work on the situation that already happened. When I look at myself through the roof, all the way shuttled to the universe, I see goodness and full of paths. Too little, must be strong said I.

11-19-07

2007-11-19T13:57:00.000-08:00

Does God really look at the heart but the things we do? I fell into a deep depth dark hole, nothing else but me, I can't feel my surroundings but my breath and my brain. Will you still watch over me? My God, oh my God. Years and years passed by me, still I am here with a dark cloud covered over me. Slowly and deeply sucking my soul out. How can I praise you and live with you when I can't feel the hope that I always had in you? Emptiness is filled with emptiness. Tears in my eyes are like the surprises on birthday. What is your will and what is mine? There is no joy that I find in the things I do, because I find no purposes in them. How long.......
Where is the helper in my dreams, I only see illusions that drags me down into the darkness in the untruthful world. How weak I feel, how little I feel, can you understand?
When I try to look into the world, I feel so small, so tiny, so micro. How important am I? Does it really matter to You if I appears in this falsity world? Or is just too real. I want to give it.
How many tests would there still be? Can I have the courage and the power to face them? When will people start to accept, when will there be love? You told me you love me.

11-12-07

2007-11-13T03:44:00.000-08:00

Haven't been writing my blog for a few days, because I was busy and FanFan is living with me for the weekend until maybe next week or something. "I Love Piano" is such a great CD that I have been listening to for the past two years during my sleep time at night. We had fun last weekend, cell group was just great, even FanFan shared a lot about himself, I felt like God is just fulfilling my requests, and one of the most urgent and important one is his salvation. I searched every single moment to share with him about the Bible, about the stories that happened on me and others, even things I heard a long time ago from people I don't even remembered. Cool week I had, I went to Redondo beach with a bunch of people on Saturday night, FanFan's sister treated me crabs. I felt so 幸福 when I was eating them, even though I wasn't that hungry. After church on Sunday, which is a huge day for lovely Johnny with his reborn experience we went to play basketball, which is something I haven't been doing for XYZ years, when I wake up the other morning, I seriously felt the pain on my back and legs. And then FanFan's sister AnAn= =...... treated us to dinner again!!!! At the Korean BBQ in Rowland!!!!!!! Miga!!! Well, I felt very very 幸福 again, hahaha. And then, on our way back, we were talking about things that happened in high school, and I wisely shared about the girls I fell in love with back from high school until present. So it was a cool week and weekend. School is starting again, but it will be a really busy week though, bunch of tests and essays are due before thanksgiving. I give my thanks for that. I feel so relieved when I saw the picture.

11-9-07

2007-11-09T05:22:00.000-08:00

It is pretty early in the morning, 05:22AM now. Just don't know why I'm still sitting in front of the computer thinking of yesterday, which it just passed. November the eighth, one of the meaningful day in my life. Pretty personal, but worth me to remember it. I still remember that piece of line paper with a bunch of drawings and cute words a year ago, how funny the decision was made by November the eighth. I expected to have an anniversary for it on the second year. Well, it did not happen. But still, I had a long day. When I look inside of my room, I see everything contains yesterday. Like honey like wine, so much I just can't take my eyes off them sometimes. Guess I'll have to change my viewing a little bit. Room is messy again, today is my cleaning day and my decision making day.

11-8-07 #2

2007-11-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

Been consistent is such a weakness to me, I'm living my life with full of lacking this and that all the time. Sometimes I just want to imagine what would my life be if I always had a fit body and one or few favorite sports and music instruments. Wouldn't it be just nice to have such hobbies? I thought to myself. "Life is a box of chocolate, you never know what you gonna get." Such a great description. I think sometimes life is like that, always regrets with the things you haven't done or the things you gave up. I decided to lose my huge amount of fat when I was in elementary school, but sometimes great decisions makes a reverse effect. I gained more and more fat in my life in America, because the food is just too unhealthy here. With a busy schedule, you just want to eat something easy, something like......fast food, which I had today for breakfast and lunch. By eating them really made me guilty, because I can just feel the junk going into my stomach and going around in circles in my body, makes me sick. Mom had been telling me that fast food is not in the pyramid of food, so I guess that means junk food don't belong to food.

11-8-07

2007-11-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

I was suppose to be at a hearing today, well I did meet the hearing officer about my second parking ticket, but she told me nicely that she doesn't see me on her list. I was pissed..... Well, the hearing made me wake up at 9 something, which made me only slept for like 4 hours. Same as old, had no time for breakfast making this morning, because shower took me pretty long, which I felt pretty refreshing. I just like shower in the morning, because it's just so different than shower before sleep, I don't remember when did I start to take shower in the morning, probably sometimes around high school. I still remember my pain in the ass second semester freshmen year when I was living with my mommy in the back house of some crazy lady for a year. The crazy thing about her is she actually turns the water pressure to "super" low and I had to shower for an hour something to get myself clean. In the winter time, she tells us that we can't use the air conditioning because the electricity bill is too expensive, and with a huge house, every month she only had to pay something around 20 dollars during summer. And in the winter time, she doesn't let us turn on the heater because she thinks that the gas fee is too expensive, she even comes in and check with us. Well, even we were living with someone like that, we had the best time in our lives. My mom is surely the greatest woman in the world to me, because she had very little income and she is paying the rent and buys me cloths every month, she even gave me allowance every week. She truly was faithful to God, prayed everyday before she sleeps and after she wakes up. We are doing more than great now and she is still the same with her morning and evening prayer. Extraordinary days I had with my mom. When I was little, I always think of the death of my family members, I imagine what would I feel if someone so close dies, sometimes I even cry about it. Well, I still think about things like this even now. I'm taking Psychology of Emotions this courter, didn't learn much in the class, but I thought it'll be helpful later in my walk towards my carrier. Another ordinary day in my college walk.

11-6-07

2007-11-06T15:34:00.000-08:00

I woke up pretty late today, even though I slept at 1 something last night. The noise of the lawn woke me up from the dream of not able to pee...... Which delayed my shower time, because the worker outside was watering the half green grass which hasn't been watered for a pretty long time. I was suppose to take over the job and water the plants, trees and the grass. When I walked out my basement door, I saw the dog that belongs the guy that just came back from the Philippines last night. The dog wasn't on a leash, so he was actually digging my trash bag that's beside bunch of my "destroyed" shoes. The thing that impressed me about my shoes is every time Dodo did something wrong, which he has chewed one or two of my shoes up, he knows that he did something wrong and hides, reminds me a lot of my childhood. I enjoyed the one hour that I spent with my dog and the dog upstairs. Dodo gets jealous even when I tried to touch the dog upstairs (I just don't remember the name of the dog upstairs). I finally put my punching bag up on the tree, which is pretty embarrassing to hit it even I'm in a mood of doing some morning exercising. Because I feel embarrassed when my neighbors or the people that are passing by look at me. Feels funny, but I think I will screw that old punching bag at night when nobody's looking. I finally turned off the water and pulled myself to shower, the new showerhead really really works, the water seems more fresh and clean, washed all my morning sleepiness away. Alex called me and asked me to lunch, so I went, thinking why is he leaving again, he seems a lot nicer today, maybe is because he is leaving again in 4 days. I'll miss him a lot. He said something I never thought he would say, he was telling me that he is turning 26. Something was behind this sentence. I want to help him, in anyway, but for knowing him so long, I just don't know what he really needs, even though I know, is just so hard for me and him to communicate. He paid for lunch, maybe because he's leaving again and he wants to treat me something without looking weird such as a gift or something. Haha, we are like that always. I felt like I just finished Fast and Furious, and I'm driving like I'm in Tokyo. Every time I drive into the parking lot, I feel like I'm going to get another ticket, still have 3 more tickets to pay. I guess I'll pass on the big one, I might just go to court for it. Time goes really fast, I remember the first time I watched the movie "Forrest Gump" was when it just came out, which is the year of 1994. I was 9 years old, still have a normal family which I was still living with my parents, mom and dad, and that movie really impressed me and had a huge impact in my life. I wished I was him even though he wasn't very smart. I didn't understand the things he was doing, I had no idea about the Vietnam war, no idea about where he was and what he was doing. But at last, I understood that life is just like the way it is. Life's good, nothing to be afraid of, run, George, run!!!