My room is so quiet, I can't use my imagination to turn the noise of the fridge and computer into music, unlike the kid in August Rush. My dog is sleeping, and he's just curious about everything I show him, he smells it, look at it, smells it again and smells more. It is true that dogs have good nose, and their most sensitive part is the nose, and ears others say. But what is the most sensitive part in a human being? Eyes? Ears? Nose? Tongue? I figured, it doesn't matter. But when all of them combine together, the most sensitive part is actually the heart. I can feel my happiness, angriness, sadness, sourness in my heart all the time. And when it comes to pain, is way more than physical, you just want to get out of it as quick as possible. When I look around me, nothing is moving. There must be something to paralyze it, there must be something to make it numb, there must be something that will drive it away. Or, there must be something that can replace it. Things are running like a circle for me, but every-time it hits the same spot, the spot gets more thorns than usual. Another Night.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Morning
Morning is good. A lot of refreshment, like a new start.
Today I'm not working, because I had to pick up a friend of mine from the airport. The sky looked very pretty this morning, and the sun is producing more heat than usual. I had an empty mind this morning, and felt pretty weird, but somewhat good. I need to escape, need to chill out. I wanna rest a little, somewhere that's quiet, nobody knows me, somewhere I can just walk around and not to think about anything, just for a while. My schedule is like a 7-11, never needs to rest, driving around the city, sitting there and listening, I think I got out from "no life" and going into "too much life". There's nothing in between. Monday-Sunday, there's no such thing as a "day off" for me. TGIF doesn't mean anything to me, but I try to make my mind feel like TGIMTWThFSatSun. How long do I have to live like that. I don't know. Can't find any excitement besides the encounter and connection with Jesus, but how can I keep it up? Some times I just feel disconnected. It has been half year already, and I don't think I'm still a child who just can't get out of it because of my stubbornness? Or is my basic instinct, my nature, my designation of God? I don't care, but I just want to be who I am, sometimes I feel like is stupid to be myself because of all the broken glasses on the ground that I have to walk over. My self-righteousness is haunting me day by day, I feel like this "modern" world is way darker than before, things are filled with wraith, hatred, lust, selfishness and anger. Sometimes I just can't find someone worth. But I believe there is somebody out there who has the other half of the puzzle and just knows how to put the piece by piece together into a beautiful picture. My other half is too messy to be put together. I need the decoder. I still doubt.
Today I'm not working, because I had to pick up a friend of mine from the airport. The sky looked very pretty this morning, and the sun is producing more heat than usual. I had an empty mind this morning, and felt pretty weird, but somewhat good. I need to escape, need to chill out. I wanna rest a little, somewhere that's quiet, nobody knows me, somewhere I can just walk around and not to think about anything, just for a while. My schedule is like a 7-11, never needs to rest, driving around the city, sitting there and listening, I think I got out from "no life" and going into "too much life". There's nothing in between. Monday-Sunday, there's no such thing as a "day off" for me. TGIF doesn't mean anything to me, but I try to make my mind feel like TGIMTWThFSatSun. How long do I have to live like that. I don't know. Can't find any excitement besides the encounter and connection with Jesus, but how can I keep it up? Some times I just feel disconnected. It has been half year already, and I don't think I'm still a child who just can't get out of it because of my stubbornness? Or is my basic instinct, my nature, my designation of God? I don't care, but I just want to be who I am, sometimes I feel like is stupid to be myself because of all the broken glasses on the ground that I have to walk over. My self-righteousness is haunting me day by day, I feel like this "modern" world is way darker than before, things are filled with wraith, hatred, lust, selfishness and anger. Sometimes I just can't find someone worth. But I believe there is somebody out there who has the other half of the puzzle and just knows how to put the piece by piece together into a beautiful picture. My other half is too messy to be put together. I need the decoder. I still doubt.
GOD WTX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTX.................. CANT THINGS JUST BE NORMAL?????????????????????????????? WHY AM I EASILY TO BE ANGERED????????????????????????????? I LIKE THINGS TO BE SORTED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY WANT TO KICK YOUR FACE. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE A SUPER ANGRY MAN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AND I WANNA HIT MY HEAD ON THE WALL SO I CAN LOSE SOME CONSCIOUS, SO AT LEAST MY BRAIN CELLS WONT KEEP ON TELLING ME TO BE ANGRY!!!!!!
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